recovering perfectionist

Peru 2009

Our team of 15 returned from Peru a week ago. It’s been a week of recovery. I got sick (flu-like sick) on the red-eye flight Saturday night. It was miserable ... the worst night of my life kind of miserable. By Tuesday I was over that, but still was in a funk. The re-entry (at least for me) is always so difficult. For nine days we work together, locked onto one goal, a team of like-minded people, living together, not worried about meals or transportation or anything else--just our mission. We’re so close as a team, feel so close to God, so connected to our friends in Peru, then we come home ... bills, jobs, screaming kids, excess, usual troubles at work, things you’d forgotten, emails, voicemails ... overwhelming. The desperation for God to work, for God to sustain, for God to receive glory fades and you fight it, you fight this world from taking over ... again.

I always look forward to what God says on a trip like this. I believe He spoke through my friend, Pastor Julio (pictured above), on Tuesday morning when we were feeding children in the hills of Chillon. It was 6:00am in the morning and he was wandering the hills waking kids to come get a warm breakfast. This happens on a regular basis--hauling buckets of soggy oatmeal and trash bags full of bread. I said, “Pastor, you’re such a good man. You are doing unto the least of these, and are doing unto Christ.” He said, “Rob, it is hard work.” And I resonated with that--compared to my 5-minute commute to our church campus in Williamson County. He said, “It is a privilege to serve Christ.” That was it. He walked off after that and left me standing on the side of the hill, staring through watery eyes. I don’t ever remember saying those words. My heart was in my throat. It is a privilege to serve Christ.

I’m feeling better, the daily thoughts of Peru are fading, but I pray those words continue to ring in my mind for years. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what Pastor Julio said--or what God said. I’ve reminded myself frequently since I’ve been back ... It is a privilege to serve Christ.

gone fishing

Kirsten was busy all weekend, trying to finish a project before we head off to family camp, so I was in charge of the kids. Anytime I’m alone with the kids my battle plan is to keep them busy--so we went fishing. Our church has a pond that is stocked and I love that it’s just 5 minutes from our house. Ben was proud that he caught the first fish. Caleb caught the biggest, and Sarah was the only one to bait her own hook--of course. Here are a few pictures from our expedition ...

All three hooks in the water--only time that happened.

Ben and the first fish.

 
Caleb and the biggest fish.

Sarah and her fish.

Sarah baiting her own hook.

going home

We spent the week at home in Kansas City. I laid in bed one night thinking about how I’ve lived in that house since I was one year old, and all those walls have seen. Ben asked today if he’d ever lived in another house. I told him no, and I hope we never move.

A friend of mine got me listening to Sean McConnell, and his song “If These Walls Could Speak.” In the song he talks of going home. I thought about his words, “If these walls could speak, they would scream out love, they would cry themselves to sleep; They would pray to Jesus, they would sing rock and roll, they would laugh with each other, they would live soul to soul.” Any time I go home I’m more aware of how quickly things change ... my home saw all the years, and saves the memories ... roller skating rinks in the basement, my sister being stung by bees in the backyard, a house full of uncles, aunts and cousins, water fights, flashlight tag with the neighbors, my commitment to full-time ministry ... the death of my Father. I remember the night my Dad died, my Aunt pulled me aside and said, “Your room isn’t where your Dad died, it’s where Jesus came to take him home.” Those walls have seen it all.

There’s nothing like going home. How much more will we understand home when we leave this place. I remember talking with a friend about how it will feel when we pass from this life to the next--weird. He said he thought it would feel so right. That’s what I meant by weird. We have no idea what “home” feels like ... no idea what “right” feels like.

I know we’re stacking away the memories with our kids. I’m sure many are getting lost in the mess, but there will be plenty ... good and bad. I’m thankful that we have these memories and this home, and I’m thankful that I can still go home.

the reformer

That’s my diagnosis -- The Reformer. The more I read, the more I realize it’s just a fancy way to say perfectionist. Last week two friends on our worship staff talked me into taking the Enneagram personality test after they’d taken it. I took it and talked Kirsten into taking it -- then my sister -- now I want our whole worship staff to take it. I can’t believe how perfectly it nails my personality -- really it’s amazing. Some highlights ...

“Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic.”

“Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.”

And then this one ... “Because the world judges and punishes ‘bad’ behavior, you must gain worthiness and love by being as good and perfect as possible.”

Ugh ... That’s why it was such a revelation to me when our worship team at my old church was playing at a youth rally and Mike Warnke was speaking, he said, “There’s nothing you can do to make God stop loving you because you didn’t do anything to make Him start.” I think I’d always wanted God to love me because I was good enough--and I wanted to be good enough. Weird how my mind works, I know.

At my worst (according to Enneagram, and trust me, it’s true) I can be “highly dogmatic, self-righteous, intolerant, critical, and inflexible.” And I have been all of that. At my best, I can “become extraordinarily wise and discerning. By accepting what is, (I can) become transcendentally realistic, knowing the best action to take in each moment. Humane, inspiring, and hopeful: the truth will be heard.”

I guess that’s The Reformer, not The Perfectionist. That’s what I hope too ... may the Truth be heard.

worship matters

I finished reading Worship Matters this weekend, a book by Bob Kauflin, who I’ve never met but have always respected. The book starts out with a lot of useful information--most that you feel like you’ve read before--but great reminders. Toward the end of the book he gets into some great stuff he calls “healthy tensions” ... these are worth the read. One thing we spend a lot of time on at Fellowship is worship planning. A few highlights from “planned and spontaneous” that I’ll remember ...

“Planning can’t replace dependence on the Holy Spirit. ... Our goal should be to plan wisely, humbly, and prayerfully, fully expecting that God may provide fresh and unexpected guidance during the meeting. The Holy Spirit may have helped us, but that doesn’t mean we’ve heard everything he wants to say. ... Planning also can’t ensure we’ve made the right plans. ... There’s nothing sacred about our plans. We shouldn’t give them divine authority. ... Plans are meant to serve us, not rule us.”

Ben's Rollercoaster

We spent the day at Six Flags as we’re at my sister’s in Atlanta for Independence Day. Actually, we’ve spent every Independence Day in Atlanta since the kids can remember, and Caleb was wondering the other day if they had fireworks in Nashville--he had no idea. Anyway, Ben and I slipped away to ride the Wylie Coyote and I tried out the video on my iPhone. Glad Ben doesn’t have trouble letting go. Hilarious.

discipline

I was talking with my friend the other day about addictions to trivial pleasures ... food (yeah, you can stop reading my twitter posts), TV, video games, social networking, the iPhone, email ... trivial. I tried to read “The Spiritual Disciplines of a Christian Life” twice and wasn’t disciplined enough to finish. Ugh.

Last week we started a ten week series in Psalms. Our teaching pastor, Michael Easley, was talking about how he began the discipline of setting aside time each day in the Word. He said it finally took caffeine--lots of it--but now it's his morning routine. I’ve heard so many of those stories and that’s never been mine. Frustrating.

In preparation for our Psalms series I read Psalm 1 and 2 as we’re beginning with those. For some reason I kept reading. I’ve been going for five weeks now (which is why I feel it’s safe to write this). I’ve been reading a Psalm a week--over and over each day to see what God has to say through it. I find by the end of the week that one phrase from the Psalm resonates with me and I’m constantly thinking about it. This week it was Psalm 5:3, “O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice.” So David begins with words to God in the morning, not an after thought later in the day--his morning routine. Last week Psalm 4 was so appropriate for where our staff team was walking with one of our co-workers. I’m already finding God meeting me in His Word. Of course.

Michael sent me a quote about the Psalms the other day from Charles Spurgeon: “More and more is the conviction forced upon my heart that every man must traverse the territory of the Psalms himself if he would know what a goodly land they are. They flow with milk and honey, but not to strangers; they are only fertile to lovers of their hills and vales. None but the Holy Spirit can give a man the key to the Treasury of David; and even he gives it rather to experience than to study. Happy he who for himself knows the secret of the Psalms.” I'm after the treasure.

I’m going to hang in there, and yes, I’ve done the math--I’m looking at three years on this one. I’ve got one thing going for me though ... I’ve got the Bible on my iPhone.

camel lot - follow the star

Another song for you from our newest kids' musical, CAMEL LOT, featuring Caleb on the opening solo! I love being able to go into the studio and work with MY kids. Hopefully we can keep this going as Ben can't wait--5 more years.

camel lot - good news

Little Big Stuff just finished our latest kids' musical called CAMEL LOT. Yes, it's a Christmas musical and soon will be up on our site for a complete listen. This is one of the songs, FEATURING SARAH as the first "storyteller solo" at the front of the song. She did a great job, also had a part as Ruth, one of the shepherds, and sang three of the songs with the choir in the studio. She's quickly becoming a pro!

school of worship

Caleb played and sang tonight at the first-ever School of Worship concert. The school was started by his teacher, Nate Sallie, and has grown pretty quickly. It was amazing seeing these kids get up and play and sing, some worship songs, some legit pieces. Caleb got to play in the last half with a full band. It was the first time he’d ever played with a band and he LOVED it (who wouldn’t). He sat down and played like one of the pros. But I was really knocked out at how these pros in the band shouted and high-fived him when he was done. They encouraged him like no one ever has. I kept thinking about how right all that was--kids learning to worship, being encouraged in their gifting by the ones who’ve “gone before”--it was God honoring. The video below is Caleb’s song, “You Are God Alone,” by Billy Foote. Yeah ... he rocked it.